Winners and losers in political Phila.

April 19, 2008
Chris Satullo
Inquirer columnist

This week, Pennsylvania became the much-analyzed Land of the Cling-ons - and Philadelphia the temporary capital of Colbert Nation.

There were spectacles aplenty and gaffes galore. I made my way Tuesday to Penn's Zellerbach Theatre for a raucous taping of The Colbert Report, then on to the National Constitution Center for Wednesday's trivia contest . . . er, presidential debate, staged by an inept outfit claiming to be ABC News.

Here is my report, using that staple command of the essay test: compare and contrast.

How did each event treat the public?

The non-VIP portion of the Colbert studio audience got herded into a dark, crowded space, forced to stand for hours in stress positions, pelted with contradictory instructions, and bombarded with high-decibel hard rock. Just when we were getting a feel for what it's like to be a detainee at Guantanamo, the show got started. Suddenly, it was all worth it.

Because the debate site, the Constitution Center's theater-in-the-round, was so intimate, only VIPs got in. The chanting, sign-waving public was relegated to the sidewalks behind barricades. But cry not for them. It was a glorious spring evening, and from there they couldn't actually watch the debate, which was a blessing.

How did the questioners do?

Stephen Colbert, in persona as an egotistical talk show host, showed his usual quicksilver brilliance. Even going for goofy laughs, Colbert skewers the absurdities of modern politics. (To Michelle Obama: "Aren't you a little worried about moving into the White House? Must be hard to sleep around there, what with the phone always ringing at 3 a.m.")

As for ABC's debate moderators, Charles Gibson and George Stephanopoulos, they were absurdities of modern politics. Let me be the 1,000,000th writer to observe that their performance was dreadful, the dumbest set of questions since Inspector Clouseau last interrogated a suspect. It wasn't just that they spent the first hour of the evening on gotcha questions (some legit, others gratuitous and inane). Even when they got to "substance," their work was abysmal.

Since when do Democratic voters (this is a primary, remember) expect their candidates to sign craven no-new-tax pledges? Maybe Charlie Gibson is very agitated that his hefty capital gains might someday be taxed at the higher rate his gofers pay on their incomes. Democratic voters are probably a little more worried about the Earth's atmosphere having a fever, foreclosure signs sprouting like daffodils, and millions having to use the ER as their primary doctor. If all ABC wanted to do was to preview the right-wing attacks Obama will get in the fall, they should have given Rush Limbaugh the gig.

Who won, who lost?

Colbert, a winner, clearly. When both Obamas, plus Hillary Clinton and John Edwards, all show up to do tongue-in-cheek shtick with you, it's obvious your show matters to voters who matter.

Philadelphia, a winner. Independence Mall looked grand as the backdrop for all those network correspondents. And the city glistened in Colbert's videotaped japes around town: trying to cop a feel on Thomas Jefferson's cane at Independence Hall, taking a chauffeured ride to the top of the Rocky steps, agitating to insert his book into the exhibits at the Constitution Center.

Michael Nutter, a winner. The mayor's droll deadpan played well in his Monday Colbert appearance, which he termed only slightly less nerve-wracking than throwing out the first ball on Opening Day.

Ralph Archbold, winner/loser. Philly's favorite Ben Franklin impersonator got a four-night national TV gig playing a colonial Ed McMahon. But he wasn't very funny.

Ed Rendell, winner/loser: The guv's earthy charm was on display in his Colbert appearance. When ABC's camera gave a slumped, scowling glimpse of him at the debate, though, he looked like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.

Barack Obama. Big loser. Yes, ABC turned the debate into a tough away game for the Chosen One. Still, his pouty performance was awful. He hemmed and hawed, poorly parsing his "cling to guns and religion" remark. Speaking of bitter, he looked like he'd swallowed a lemon. Senator, Americans expect a leader to seize command of a rocky moment, to use wit, candor, logic, eloquence, a winning smile - something! - to turn it around. Some day, your antagonist won't be little George Stephanopoulos, but a tyrant with nukes.

ABC's debate planners. The biggest loser. Apparently, they wanted to show an Obama-coddling press corps the error of its ways. Instead, they demonstrated new ways to err.